bad brain ramblings
tmi, sorry. not for anything too bad (there's a teeny-tiny-Not-Serious-I-Promise suicide reference), just needing to get a thought out of my brain so i stop thinking about it. also, i don't know, it'll make it easier to reference this when i talk to my therapist in a couple weeks. anyway, this was originally going to be string of posts on bluesky, but i realized that that's fucking stupid, i have a blog, dumbass. so,
about 20m ago i was sitting at my desk idly brushing my hair, and i felt like my hair was probably looking pretty good. so, i pulled my phone out and, sure enough, it looked great. i decided to take a picture. while i loathe taking pictures of myself, it has to be stated that any sort of positive response i have gotten to pics in the past has made me feel better about myself. i have my own (very stupid) hangups that make it difficult for me to not feel vain and shallow to post pictures of myself in the hopes that people will say nice things about me.
regardless, i started trying to take a selfie and i just kept getting pissed off at myself. i hadn't shaved recently, which was already a problem, but i also just could not get a facial expression to come out that looked good in the final picture. i must've taken like 8 pictures. i was trying my very best to not get upset but eventually i was just undeniable. the final attempt i particularly struggled, and when i looked at the last picture i just instinctively thought, "god, fucking kill yourself." to reiterate, this wasn't a genuine thought, just a general exasperation at myself.
at that point i was sitting there, nearly about to cry, and i just decided that, this is partially a solvable problem. i can't force myself to have a nice smile, or eyes that don't make me look like i am always upset.1 however, i can shave right now, and i can do my laundry while i'm at it, something else i've been putting off for several days. so, i collected my stuff and walked to our laundry room. while i'm in there, i was still very upset. i don't know why this was the moment for it, but i decided right then and there to give myself a pep talk. embarrassing2, but it was effective.
i talked about how it's okay to be frustrated with myself. i know that i can take good pictures of myself because i have taken pictures of myself. i'm frustrated because i'm not doing enough to take care of myself. i'm not putting enough effort in improving what body i got dealt. just being purely honest with myself. but while the frustration is justified, it isn't doing me any good to be so mean to myself about. just do the work. take better care of yourself, outside and in.
by the end of this, i didn't exactly feel good, but i felt better than when i walked in. i was, if i'm being entirely honest, a little proud of myself. it was the most actively i tried to talk myself out of a bad or self-destructive train of thought and it was generally effective. it was good enough to get me feeling okay enough to tell jen about this without busting out into tears. i felt close to it several times, but i kept my emotions in check, w.
i cut myself shaving and i got some face cleanser in my eye, but i'll take it. it was the closest shave i've had in a while and it's the first time i used my face cleanser in probably a year. baby steps.
i must just look like i am constantly in some sort of distress, because i will be feeling generally fine or even happy and people will stop me and ask if i'm alright. i don't get enough sleep (something i do have control over, despite my protestations), so i have really dark eye circles. i normally get this from my partners and roommate, and — much as they probably don't want to hear it — it didn't stick out to me when they pointed it out. i live with them, they see me upset more than anyone else, and it isn't even close. however, today at work i was feeling really good. despite that, there were clients who were concerned i wasn't doing well. so, something's going on. i have... it's not resting bitch face. it's more like "resting burnout face", i guess.↩
i know, i know, you don't have to say it.↩