the car's on fire
i'm finding it incredibly hard to not fall head first into despair as of late. it feels like there's just nothing to be done. any single bit of good in the world is slowly violently having it's life snuffed out. i try to not be defeatist, i truly do. i don't want to be the "everything sucks and then you die" person. everyone needs hope for the future. i simply can't find any at the moment.
entire neighborhoods in california, gone. the authority for our government to prevent and protect against these environmental disasters, gone. the idea that you're even allowed to be visibly queer on the internet without someone sending you a picture of a noose, gone. the lives of tens or possibly hundreds of thousands of palestinians, gone. the idea that anyone in power actually cares about making the world a better and more caring place, gone. hope, gone.
i took my job not because of the money. if i cared about making a lot of money, i would have gotten a business degree. i wanted to do something that felt like i was actually putting good back into the world. i wanted to feel like i was actually having a positive impact on the world. i want to believe that i do, but i'm finding that i can't right now.
within the past month, 3 clients at my work have died. the 3rd passed yesterday, and i feel responsible. i know i'm not responsible. i haven't been his counselor for months now. he is an adult who makes his own decisions. and yet i can't help but feel guilty. i started working with him at a transitional period in his life, and i felt like i was truly helping him start a new chapter in his life. it felt like i was actually putting that good back into the world. now, i don't know.
i'm going to take the next few days to try and not wallow in my despair. i could say more but that would be digital self-harm. i just wanted to get these thoughts out. i love you all.